I think I could sit and just think about stuff for hours on end. Know how I know? Cause that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 15 minutes, sitting in a recliner, looking at the ceiling, and just plain thinking...and I'm far from done.
I have a lot on my mind:
School, family, career, productivity, money, church, time, health, boys, clothes, patience...the list goes on and on and on and on...
It’s the kind of thinking that, when you do it all at once, doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s like a traffic jam in my head…my train of thoughts just careened off an overpass onto a highway at rush hour.
Messy, that’s what that is.
Man, life is hard.
Allow me to be a pessimist for a moment and say this:
You spend your whole life reaching for goals, failing, reaching higher and eventually accomplishing, right? But then, what’s next? You can either sit like a bump on a log pretending to be satisfied with what you’ve won or you can reach up again for something even higher than what you have.
That’s all fine and dandy, but WHOA! When do we get to stop reaching? It gets kind of exhausting. I guess it's the initial thrill of accomplishing that keeps us going, but are we ever fully satisfied with just another rung on the ladder? No. And, hooray for us, that's so good. Why settle for mediocre when your potential is FAR from mediocre.
If you think about it, what you do with your life is 100% up to you. That’s a lot of pressure! In fact, it’s downright overwhelming most of the time. Having a boatload of options doesn’t help either, let me tell you. With great blessings come great responsibilities.
Unfortunately, I’m the kind of person that LOVES knowing what’s next. I love being scheduled and organized and knowing what is expected of me. Just ask my friends, I don’t do well with spontaneity in large portions. I wish I was more spontaneous, I mean, I can be if I really work at it, but it hasn't gotten to the point where it's pulled up a chair and made itself comfortable inside of me.
I don't EVEN know if this is making ANY sense. Wow! I'm just...blah. This must be what limbo feels like. Where am I? What in the world is going on in my life? Well, I'll tell you:
I've been living in the same bedroom in the same house in the same city in the same state in the same country for my WHOLE 22 years of existence.
I've been going to the same school, working at the same job and attending the same ward for 4 years straight.
That's where BLAH comes in.
There's this part of me that says, "What happened to all of your "big" plans for yourself back in high school?" Well self, apparently Heavenly Father has something else in mind for my life, and, ya know, the most anchored, trusting and awesome part of my soul completely agrees with Him ...but right now, the flakey, stupid and irresponsible portion of me says, "What's so wrong with MY plan anyway?"
I just feel like someone was tampering with my life remote and pushed the button marked "Slow Motion" and suddenly my life sounds like an old scratched record playing a sad country ballad about a dying horse. Beat-less and boring.
Wow, I've really accomplished the happy, inspirational post I was looking for, haven't I?
Ok, so how bout this... Sheesh, here we go! I'm one of those people that can't just leave a post on a sour note. So, the other day I was reading the Book of Mormon and came across a verse that really speaks to my current predicament,
"[They] did rejoice exceedingly...that the Lord had granted unto them according to their prayers and that he had also verified his word unto them in every particular." (Alma 25:17)
Reading that was a taste of spiritual deja vu for me. Of coarse he will verify his word unto me in every particular. He always does. What am I so worried about? That a perfect Father in Heaven who is all knowing and loves me more than the whole capacity of my heart will ever comprehend has created a plan for me that I won't like?
HA! Yeah right, Lindsay!
Has there ever been a plan of our Heavenly Father's that hasn't been perfect and miraculous? The creation of the Universe, the Plan of Salvation, the scriptures and, not to mention our everyday lives, are full of examples of his beautiful and glorious works!
One of my favorite "pick me up" songs is called "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee." Part of it quotes the scriptures when it says,
Now, that is a humbling statement. It goes on to say,
I know that everything will be great...in fact, if I keep doing my best, everything that Heavenly Father has in store for me will blow my so-called "big plans" out of the water.
I learned a new word on sunday,
greater certainty than circumstances warrant.
So, despite the current circumstances,
I know with absolute certitude that everything will work out for the best.